Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors used by one person to gain and maintain power and control over another person in the household. Many organizations use the term domestic violence (DV) interchangeably with intimate partner violence (IPV), family abuse and relationship abuse. IPV is any form of physical and sexual violence, stalking, or psychological harm caused by a current or former partner or spouse, regardless of whether the individuals involved are/were living together or not. The term domestic violence can be used more broadly to include abuse by any member of the household.

Domestic violence is a form of oppression that occurs in the household, and all forms of oppression are prohibited in Islam. Oppression (injustice and mistreatment of others) is clearly prohibited in many verses of the Qur’an and in the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. The Prophet said, “A Muslim is the one from whose tongue and hands others are safe,” and “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or is oppressed.” It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, we help the oppressed, but how do we help an oppressor?” The Prophet said, “By stopping him from oppressing.” (Bukhari & Muslim)

There are different types of abuse that can be used to exert power and control over another individual in an intimate or family relationship. These may include emotional, verbal, sexual, economic/financial, religious/spiritual, legal. The following image outlines the different types of abuse and examples of common behaviors one may experience in an abusive relationship.

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Anyone. Domestic violence cuts across ethnicity, race, class, age, religion, education level, and immigration status and can happen to anyone in any relationship.

Yes. Approximately 1 in 10 men experience violence, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. However, women are by far the most frequent victims, and men are the most frequent abusers and perpetrators of violence.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 1 in 4 women, and nearly 1 in 10 men have experienced physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime and reported some form of IPV-related impact. Additionally, nearly 1 in 5 women and 1 in 38 men have experienced completed or attempted rape in their lifetime.

• https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/fastfact.html
• https://www.cdc.gov/injury/features/sexual-violence/index.html#:~:text=Nearly%201%20in%2038%20men,it%20occurred%20before%20age%2010.

According to the Peaceful Families Project & Project Sakinah 2011 survey, 31% of American Muslims reported experiencing abuse within an intimate partner relationship, and 53% reported experiencing some form of domestic violence by a family member during their lifetime – which may include emotional, verbal, financial, physical or sexual abuse.

• http://projectsakinah.org/Resources/Surveys/2011-Survey/Survey-Results

Domestic violence can have a negative impact on the physical, psychological and spiritual wellbeing of victims and survivors. Some common effects include:

Physical:

• Serious injury (bruises, sprains, fractures), miscarriage, and in severe cases death
• Chronic health problems due to the stress caused by abuse compromising the immune system
• High blood pressure
• Chronic fatigue
• Muscle tension
• Shortness of breath
• Vaginal bleeding or pelvic pain in cases of marital rape

Mental:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which includes symptoms of flashbacks, hypervigilance, numbness, avoidance, nightmares
• Low self esteem
• Suicidal thoughts and attempts
• Insomnia
• Self-destructive or sabotaging thoughts or behaviors

Spiritual:

• Questioning and doubting faith (Especially when the abuser is using religion as a control tactic)
• Feeling abandoned by God (For example, praying for the abuse to stop and it doesn’t)
• Feeling betrayed when religious leaders don’t hold perpetrators accountable and blame the victim
• Feeling unworthy
• Inability to trust
• Hopelessness
• Interpreting the abuse as punishment or as a sign of being a “bad” Muslim

• Children witnessing the violence can also develop anxiety, depression, fearfulness, and academic and relationship problems
• Physical harm to the child who may try to protect the parent being abused
• Behavioral problems
• Substance abuse for older children
• Acting out behavior
• Potentially internalizing a model of abusive relationships that can impact their relationship choices in the future

No. Stress, anger and/or mental health problems do not cause domestic violence, but they can be risk factors. The vast majority of people with mental health issues or those experiencing significant stress are not violent and do not resort to violence.

No. The only person responsible for domestic violence is the person committing the abusive behavior. While mental health issues can exacerbate abusive tendencies that already existed in a person, aggression and abusive behavior are always a choice. It is never the victim’s fault. There are many nonviolent ways to address conflict.

Yes. Marital rape is nonconsensual sexual intercourse between spouses. Any time a spouse is forced to have intercourse without their consent, it is considered rape. Marital rape is illegal and punishable by law in the United States. Forced intercourse violates many Islamic teachings, including the Qur’anic verse advising men to treat their wives with kindness (4:19). Sexual intimacy in Islam is described in the Qur’an using the metaphor of men and women as garments for one another (30:21). This illustrates the rahma and mutual protection that spouses should provide to each other. It suggests not only physical protection, but also emotional care, protection, and intimacy.
For further analysis, see “Debunking the Myth that Angels Curse the Woman Who Rejects Her Husband's Sexual Demands” for further analysis:  https://karamah.org/debunking-the-myth-angels-cursing-hadith/ and “Can your wife reject sexual intercourse in Islam?”

Some red flags or warning signs include:

• Possessive or jealous behavior
• Controlling behavior
• Using force to resolve problems
• Severe mood swings
• Expressing rigid ideas about gender roles
• Minimizing abusive behavior
• Gaslighting (manipulates someone psychologically to question their own sanity)https://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/29/what-is-gaslighting/
• Preventing/keeping you from seeing friends or family
• Taking your money or refusing to give you money for your expenses
• Preventing you from working, going to school or participating in hobbies/activities you enjoy
• Constantly criticizing and demeaning your parental skills
• Threatening to take away your children

There are many reasons a person may stay in an abusive relationship. Some common reasons include:

• Fear of getting killed, getting hurt, stalked, being ostracized from the community, or their life becoming even more difficult if they leave
• Belief that abuse is normal
• Embarrassment, shame or guilt
• Low self-esteem
• Belief that it is better for the children
• Love for the abusive partner
• Cultural/religious reasons
• Stigma
• Language barriers
• Concerns related to immigration status
• Lack of money/resources
• Disability
• Blame from family and/or community
• Homelessness

Yes. However, it is important to remember that both staying and leaving are difficult choices and can be complicated. It can be helpful to work with an advocate to help determine the risks and benefits of leaving and staying, keeping in mind that either choice can be a risk. Additionally, Islamic teachings emphasize establishing justice and ending oppression in any life situation. Therefore, a woman leaving an oppressive and abusive home or marriage is in line with Islam’s teachings. 

• Be supportive and listen, while validating their experiences.
• Connect them to a DV organization for them to develop a safety plan as soon as possible.http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf
• Be nonjudgmental. Respect their decisions and support them no matter what their decision may be. Remember, you cannot rescue someone! The most helpful role you can play is being supportive, regardless of what decision they make and referring them to domestic violence organizations.
• Encourage them to participate in activities that they enjoy with friends and family. Survivors can often feel isolated, so providing them with a supportive community can go a long way.
• Reassure them that the abuse is never the fault of the person being abused. Be compassionate and empathetic.

No. In the Qur’an, Allah condemns female infanticide, which is femicide. This practice of burying infant daughters alive existed in pre-Islamic Arabia. “And when the female infant buried alive is asked, for what sin she was killed.” Qur’an (81: 9-10). This highlights that misogynist views contributing to violence against women and girls have existed 1400+ years ago. Chapter 58 (Al-Mujadilah) in the Qur’an is Allah’s response to a woman who had complained to the Prophet ﷺ about her husband’s abusive behavior. In addition, Qur’anic verses and many hadith advise men to treat women well. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, “Never beat Allah’s handmaidens (female believers” (cited in Muhammad Asad, The Message of the Quran, p. 110).

This verse has been the subject of many books and articles and is one that generates a great deal of discussion. It has been mis-coined as the “hitting verse” or “wife beating verse.” The verse outlines the responsibilities that a man has towards his wife, as well as the responsibilities of a woman towards her husband. Men are required to lead their families in the manner which is modelled by the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (engaging in shura, being gentle, respectful, kind and just) and to support the family financially. Women are required to protect the privacy and boundaries of the home. Both are required to be mindful and conscious of God in their relationship with each other.

The verse provides a remedy for the very specific problem of nushuz of the wife (any behavior that threatens the integrity of the marriage. Verse 4:135 addresses the nushuz of the husband. The suggested remedy outlines a process intended to prevent the common abusive practices of pre-Islamic Arabia, and to bring about repair and reconciliation. The process begins with verbally addressing the serious behavior impacting the relationship, then if that does not work, behaviorally addressing it by sleeping separately, then finally if the problem persists, to use darb. This word has a wide range of interpretations (tapping to hitting to leaving), as well as a consensus that however it is interpreted, there can be no violation of other clear injunctions to avoid harm or injury to any other person. If these steps are unsuccessful in resolving the problem, the second part of the remedy is in the verse that follows (4:35), which suggests bringing a mediator to represent each partner to help bring about reconciliation if they both want that.

Regardless of the interpretation or translation of this verse, it is not conceivable that any verse in the Qur’an could intend to promote domestic violence when the whole framework of Islam is grounded in justice, and when Qur’anic verses and hadith specific to family relationships highlight mercy, compassion, and justice.

“Critical analysis of different approaches to the interpretation of this verse shows that the contradictions and complexities related to the verse are not inherent in the Quran itself but are rooted in the intentional or unintentional neglect and misuse of the text by authoritative Muslim scholars.”[1]

Patience and forgiveness have often been used to pressure women to remain in abusive relationships. Practicing patience in the face of calamities means patience in resistance and in seeking safety and well-being. “Patience does not mean accepting oppression.” (Imam Magid, Spiritual Counseling for Stress Management Webinar, April 15, 2020).

No. The Qur’an states that: Men and women were created from a single soul (4:1, 49:13), Men and women were both created to serve God (2:30; 51:56), and that husbands and wives are garments for one another (2:187). These verses and others present the relationship between women and men as equal in essence and purpose.

The Prophet ﷺ said, “Help the oppressed and the oppressor.” The Companions said, “We know how to help the oppressed. How do we help the oppressor?” The Prophet ﷺ replied, “By preventing him/her from committing injustice” (Bukahri & Muslim). Domestic violence is a form of injustice and oppression. Oppression is forbidden in many Islamic teachings. In this hadith, it is clear that Muslims are encouraged to do what they can to stop violence from occurring. This may look like speaking out against it, spreading information about resources, reporting abuse, or leaving an abusive situation.

Spiritual abuse can be a very harmful form of abuse used between intimate partners or other family members. Spiritual abuse is when a person uses religion and spirituality as a tool to exert control and power over their partner. Some examples of spiritual abuse include preventing a partner from practicing their religion, ridiculing/insulting a partner's religious beliefs, or using religious texts and beliefs to minimize or justify abusive behaviors.

Spiritual abuse can also occur when a religious leader misuses his or her authority for their own personal gain. When a person who has experienced domestic violence turns to a religious leader for guidance, the religious leader is in a position of authority. That leader’s words and behaviors have the potential to greatly benefit or greatly harm the person seeking help. It is a boundary violation when religious leaders offer to marry the person who has been abused, engages in any type of sexual behavior with that person, uses the counseling session as an opportunity to talk about his or her personal problems rather than being focused on the person seeking help. To learn more about spiritual abuse by religious leaders, and to seek help, please see: the Hurma Project, In Shaykh’s Clothing, and FACE. 

Role of Clergy:

• Be aware of the dynamics of domestic violence and utilize this understanding for evaluating the situation.
• Use your expertise as a religious authority and spiritual leader to illuminate the positive value of religious traditions, while clarifying that no Islamic teachings justify or condone domestic violence.
• Identify the congregant’s immediate needs and REFER (even if the resource is secular) to deal with the specifics of abuse, advocacy, intervention and treatment.
• Recognize your own potential bias that you may have if two members of your community approach you in a domestic abuse situation and if you are not able to assess the situation or safety of the victim properly.

For additional FAQ's see https://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/resources/learn-the-basics/dv-muslim-women-faqs